Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I Do Drugs

This post is not about the Ecstasy induced awesomeness you experienced at a Widespread Panic show in 2000 with the pouring rain feeling like tears of vodka soothing your soul. (Wasn't me, I swear)
This post is about drugs. Legal drugs. Or as my family calls it..."Better living through Chemistry". This post is long and slightly boring so you can totally just come back tomorrow when I talk about balls.

Let's begin with Pill #1. Birth Control.
Dying. But honestly, all 4 of us own crocs.

I was put on this lovely drug when I was 15. Seriously. I started taking Accutane for my pizza face and it was required at the time. *I blame accutane for all that is wrong with me mentally. And my face never completely cleared up.
I don't mind popping the pill every morning. I take other pills so the chance i miss it is slim to none. When I went off of it back in 2010 to get preggo I thought I could get knocked up immediately. We were lucky that it only took three tries but I still felt naughty tossing that pack in the trash. I've been back on it since F was six months old and am still on it. *Read that* STILL ON IT.
 (2nd baby debate is alive and kicking in our house. Will post about that soon. Me-game on. Husband-Hell no)
Shocked M hasn't made this my alarm.

Pill #2. Zoloft
For the record I am 5 days off Zoloft right now. 

Having some hot flashes and heart palps..but hopefully that will subside.

And Over-Controlling is in full force. Anyone need a list?

I am a little more feisty and I have written 10 lists but other than that I think I'm handling it decently well from a No-wire-hangers kind of woman. No, I don't beat my children. But help you GOD if you buy the wrong kind of milk or don't make the bed. RUN.
I wish I didn't have to take it. I have pretty severe OCD and Anxiety. I will spare you the details but let's just say my quirks are cute. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. 
Go with the $'s you moron. OCD doesn't care about Gallons.

Sometimes I do wish I could dial down the crazy but then I wouldn't be who I am. My family loves to joke about it, but they all come running when they need an itinerary. And if you have ever met my Aunt Kathleen, she can plan a party and decorate a house like Martha on blow so I embrace my tendencies. I just wish I could control the emotions that come along with it.
I've quit my zoloft (I tapered like a good girl) just in case I can win the Baby #2 debate. I didn't take it while preggo the first time but I think it was easier then b/c we were so excited and come on...Nursery planning? Showers and more showers! This time I can't promise that I won't berate M for not getting an extra side of chipotle mayo with my Sierra Turkey. 
When someone is telling me a story and they take too freaking long. Or pause too much. Or get hung up remembering the details.

Yep. And again before entering the store if it reaches.

Pill #3. Protonix/Aciphex
Think....Aciphex, sound it out. Ass Effects. Nice job pharma companies. I was a freshman in High School when I started having stomach issues. First they thought it was Dysphagia, but eventually they figured out it was GERD
After years of trying Zantac I was put on Aciphex in College. BEST. DRUG. EVER. Except most insurance companies wouldn't cover it. When I lived in Florida and had a personal Blue Cross plan my "reflux issues" were a pre-existing condition...so Aciphex cost me $180. These are also the asshole doctors that ordered a zillion tests and tried to say it could be early colon cancer. **Sidebar** At my friend Bryn's wedding in Richmond I told my friend Drew all my stomach pills were ritalin. He chowed them. He didn't shit for a month .
So back to A$iphex. I begged my Dr's in FL for samples b/c it was just too much. Looking back I probably should have sucked it up and payed it. Even the year we were getting married it was just so expensive. The night of our rehearsal dinner I was so nauseous...everyone thought it was cold feet but it was really all the amazing rich food I had already chowed down on that week. I even tried taking D-limonene (orange peel pills)....didn't work.
I would still be on Aciphex today but once I stopped breastfeeding I got super sick. They had no idea what was wrong with me. I dropped 10 pounds and was so nauseous again. And a stressball. We had just dealt with some legal issues and I honestly think the happy breastfeeding hormones drained out of me and I was off all my drugs and just flipped out. They put me on double Zoloft and Protonix immediately and I leveled out. 
I tried to quit Protonix last week so I could be entirely pill free if we started procreating again but I couldn't do it. I pretty much felt like I was hungover ALL DAY. I discovered it was safe to take while preggo so I'm going to stay on it. My friend Aubrey pointed out I probably should stop eating Gluten and I guarantee you she is right. All the side effects of gluten and everything I have read make it seem like the culprit....but I just can't. I hate salads, I would rather wipe my ass with kale than eat it...and I just don't think I can make that lifestyle change. And no, I'm not the little engine that could. I'm the little engine that loves meat and potatoes and taco bell and everything that is bad for you.

So...........there we are folks. I'm curious if you have comments. Sorry this post was so long-winded but it is really the only way to explain to my hippie friends why I love drugs. 

Day 6 with no Zoloft....Let's do this shit! (In an organized/frugal/alphabetized/classy manner)

Crazy Kat
Sooo true.

The Door handle that turns off lights, oven...etc. BRILLIANT.

I know Natalie agrees!


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