Friday, October 20, 2017

BB Update-October 2017

A sweet reader (I'm shocked that y'all are still out there) messaged me because she was worried that I hadn't posted in awhile. So to that reader I say thank you for hanging in there through this journey.

I haven't posted an update on Mom because there hasn't been much to update, and I haven't had lots of chances to get up there. I wanted to go up this week but just couldn't fit it in with work. I will be up there in 2 weeks (if not before) so hopefully will get a good visit in.

We are tapering Mom off her Alzheimer's medications. There is no point to them now and she is still on mood stabilizers to keep her from having outbursts. She mainly has them in the shower or when she feels uncomfortable. The only issue with taking her off these meds is that sometimes she seems almost hyper-alert and panicked that she can't communicate. It ignites that fear deep down that I have of her being trapped in this body and wanting to tell us something. I need to remember that her mind is also gone and these brief flashes are exactly that, just a brief connection in the brain. 

She is increasingly losing weight and we were asked this week if we wanted to give her supplements to her diet. 

We declined. Dad, Beau and I made the decision that we will not do feeding tubes and will not supplement. It's almost cruel to prolong someone's body from trying to die. I guess they say don't  wake a sleeping baby, and along those lines maybe you should say don't shove food down someone's throat who is trying to escape a horrible disease.

It is the right decision and one she would have told us years ago to make. Mom used to work in long term care and she told us to "give her the pillow" if she ever got like this. So in her defense....she would not approve of this lifestyle.It is still a decision that hurts to make, and one you second guess yourself on, but I know in my heart and mind it is the right one.

So now we wait. We visit, we hold her hands, we talk to her. We pray. 

I miss her so much this time of year. I have said it a million times but she was the holiday celebrator. Pumpkins, Mums, skeletons on the door, terracotta pumpkins from the Dish Barn, Fall themed napkins, candles, snacks, candies. Care Packages. Orange sweaters and light up earrings. I'm bawling my eyes out typing this. Amelie's birthday is approaching, Halloween, a family Wedding, a girls weekend and Thanksgiving....quickly followed by the Christmas season. Oh how I wish we could go buy ridiculous decorations again. You could make me my paperwhites and I'll let you wear the better pair of light up earrings.

I miss you Mom. I miss having a Mom. I miss her voice and her laugh. I miss the way she would come down the steps from getting ready for Church (and always running late) smelling of hairspray and Chanel No 5. Her smile and eyes sparkled more than any jewelry could. She was so beautiful.

Alzheimer's is a thief. It has stolen her away from me.