Tuesday, June 18, 2013

MMHP-Total Sailor Mouth Edition

My Monday Morning Hodge Podge post is today. Yes, fuck you very much I'm aware its Tuesday. I'm TIRED.And this post is going to be chock full of f-bomb's so heads up.

For FUCK'S sake Minted...Its not even July. Calm the shit down. 


This drink will rock your panties off. We haven't tried to make it at home yet b/c I'm sure its a huge mess but I think these are happening soon. Del Frisco's Blackberry Ginger Cocktail. Woodford Reserve Bourbon, fresh blackberries, lemon juice, mint and a splash of ginger beer.


My son woke up at 5:15 again. I know that is nothing to you moms with newborns but that is a tad early considering mom watched the Game of Thrones finale and the first True Blood last night. Team Khaleesi and WTF Billith. We are also slowly getting rid of our pacifier. SLOWLY. He only gets it in bed but screams when I leave it in the bed for later.
Two's are awesome.
This morning's conversation. 
F: Cereal Bar
K: Okay, one second (trying to fall asleep on couch)
F: CEREAL BAR
K: Okay, I'm getting up
F: In creepy REDRUM voice from the Shining "CEREAL BAR YOU DEVIL WOMAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU MUST DIE."
K: Guzzles bourbon, hands kid cereal bar
F: Its sticky. No cereal bar.
K: ...............................................................


I got a "Good job Katharine" at Pure Barre yesterday. Made my day. I still wear t-shirts to class and look clueless but if my only triumph this week is squeezing my left butt cheek so perfectly I get a gold star that is fucking fine with me. High five ass cheek.

4 weeks until our Epic yearly family beach vacation. 7 pounds to go. It has been suggested I quit drinking during the week. I let that thought marinate for a hot second and then remembered I have a toddler. Here are some hosebeasts that look great at the beach. And fuck you fox news for dissing Maria Shriver. BIG FUCK YOU. She's a 57 year old mom. Nobody wears a sarong in the water you ass-hats. Half the people you voted "best" are douchebags with obvious plastic surgery.

Damn you Jessica Alba with your flat abs and organic diapers. 

One hot Mama Jennie Garth

Not a d-bag and has no surgery...but not a mom either..

My trip to Raleigh was a success...even though I drove through a Tropical Storm to get there. I would do it again in a heartbeat b/c those two days are exactly what I needed. Binge-drinking, binge-eating and binge-shopping. My BFF and I never talk on the phone, we only text and email... but being together was just like old times! Raleigh by the numbers:

  • 6,982-Calories consumed (this is probably low-balling)
  • $69-price for a cute top at Uniquities
  • 70+ MPH of winds in Cherry Grove
  • $9.98-cost for my delicious lunch at Tijuana Flats. So sad ours closed down.
  • 5-Total number of Bourbons I drank once I arrived safely Thursday night.
  • 0.6-Miles we walked home from dinner
  • $225-cost for overpriced Tory Burch sandals I really want but are sold out. Do I really need these? (Holy shit they have my size at Neiman's.)
  • Priceless-spending 2 great nights with my BFF laughing and talking about life as working moms. We've come a long way from Pokey Sticks at the Pi Phi House!

I probably sound angry and feisty but I'm honestly just tired. I'll perk up after I do these inhalants. Here's something to make you giggle....
xoxo

Speaking of Beach trips....

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