1. Mom: I'm bigger than you.
Me: No you are not, what do you weigh?
Mom: Fuck if I know
2. Me: Why is there a pound of jewelry in your purse?
Mom: You never know when you need to look pretty.
3. Me: What is on your face?
Mom: Well I guess not what I was supposed to put on it. (It was deodorant. I guess it kind of looks like foundation?)
4. Me: What do you want for Mother's Day?
Mom: We can buy something today and you can just wrap it since I'll forget.
5. Mom: Where is you know who. You know. That person you like.
Mom: No, the person you really like. (BAHAHAHAHA)
6. Mom: Hi little girl you are so adorable
Me: Mom, that's not my baby. (In the daycare pick up room)
7. Mom: I LOVE this place. This place is the best. I love coming here. Has the menu changed?
(This was McAlisters and I have never taken her there before)
8. (At the hospital after Amelie was born)
Mom to nurse: We are so excited to see what color she will be.
Me (embarrassed): I promise I'm not sleeping around with the United Nations, my husband is Brazilian so she is curious about what her skin color will be.
9. Mom: Where is Daddy?
Me: Arizona for meetings
Mom: No, your house's Daddy.
Me: Max? At work
Mom: Okay, any other Daddies I should know about?